my name is timmy, and i'm 13 years old. i'm in the seventh grade, and i love playing basketball after school. my friends say i'm quite good at it, but i don't know if that's true. sometimes, i feel like i'm just average. anyway, my mom always tells me practice makes perfect, so i keep trying.
i have a dog named max, he's a golden retriever. he's not the smartest dog around, but he's the best companion. one time, i accidentally left the gate open, and max ran out. it took me hours to find him. that day, i learned how much i cared for him.
i'm not very good at english, though. i mix up words sometimes, like using 'there' instead of 'their.' my teacher says i need to work on my grammar, but i find it boring. i'd rather read comic books than grammar books. my favorite book is 'harry potter', i can never get enough of it.
i also like science, especially astronomy. i dream of becoming an astronaut one day, to explore the vast universe. but my dad says i need to focus on math first, because math is important for space travel. so, i try to study more math, even though it's not my favorite subject.
in school, i'm not the most popular kid, but i have a few close friends. we always stick together, and they help me with my studies. i wish i could be better at studying, but i guess i'm just a normal kid trying his best.
老師評語：
timmy's essay showcases a genuine and relatable voice, revealing his interests and struggles. however, there are noticeable grammatical errors and a lack of clarity in some parts. the transition from basketball to max the dog could be smoother, and the shift from personal interests to academic aspirations needs more coherence.
內(nèi)容亮點：
the narrative is personal and engaging, particularly when timmy shares his affection for his dog and his dreams of being an astronaut. his honesty about his struggles with english and preference for comic books over grammar books adds authenticity.
優(yōu)化參考：
the passage can benefit from refining the transitions between ideas. for instance, a bridge between basketball and max could be: 'on the court, i strive to improve, just as i do with my four-legged friend, max, who teaches me about loyalty and patience.'
the part about math could be rephrased: 'understanding dad's point, i now see math as the stepping stone to my cosmic dreams, pushing me to overcome my aversion.'
批改后作文
my name is timmy, a 13-year-old seventh-grader with a passion for basketball. on the court, i strive to improve, just as i do with my four-legged friend, max, a golden retriever who teaches me about loyalty and patience. once, max escaped, leaving me searching for hours, a lesson in the depth of our bond.
english isn't my forte, and i occasionally stumble, swapping 'there' for 'their.' while my teacher's grammar advice often bores me, i've found solace in 'harry potter.' its magical world fuels my love for astronomy, igniting a dream to become an astronaut. acknowledging my dad's wisdom, i now see math as the stepping stone to my cosmic dreams, pushing me to conquer my reservations.
at school, i may not be the most popular, but i cherish my close friends who support me academically. though i aspire to excel, i remind myself that everyone's journey is unique, and i'm just a determined kid navigating my way.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
to enhance writing skills, timmy should read more diverse texts, including classic novels and well-written non-fiction. he might also find it helpful to study grammar guides tailored for young readers, such as "english grammar in use" by raymond murphy, and engage in writing exercises that incorporate his interests, like descriptive pieces about basketball games or imaginative stories featuring max.
相關詩句
1. 伯鸞長嘯出東都，來卜龍邱二畝居。千歲仍昆作英語，五噫文采尚周馀。胸中萬卷未得力，堂下一言誰識渠。我亦微官方冷甚，恨無燕玉可相噓。
